Consolation Prizes and Headshots: Observations about a FPS from a person who doesn’t play FPS

November 15, 2012

in blowg

Hey, Black Ops is out and everything. I don’t even know how you are finding the time to read this! Aren’t you supposed to be glued to your TV like a good American citizen? Unlike you, I wasn’t waiting in line, shivering in the freezing November air to purchase a video game because I’m stuck in 1998. Like many hipster kids, I went to college and bought a Super Nintendo, buying back all the games my mom sold when I entered high school. You know, reliving my 2D, 16-bit childhood.

So I don’t play First Person Shooters. However, my roommate does and he has a copy of Battlefield 3. I have been playing it a lot. I totally suck. Even if it’s a year old, it’s still a pretty relevant game. Here are some observations about an FPS from someone who does not play FPS:


– This game is literally addicting. I am aware it’s screwing with my dopamine and cranial reward centers, but still can’t stop myself from playing it. It has become a form of stress release. I’m drooling now just thinking about it.

– The story in this game is pure evil. You actually invade Iran. Can you believe this shit? Chicken hawks throughout Congress have been waving their sabers at that oil-rich land since we first broke down the walls of Iraq and Afghanistan. The difference is, Iran has a strong, standing army, unlike the other two Arab nations. Plus, they are allies with Russia.

– Invading Iran would not be like invading Iraq and it certainly wouldn’t be like the imperialistic manifest destiny in the video game. In the game, you topple the government in a few mere weeks. Mission Accomplished, but for realsies this time. You demolish entire villages (one aspect of realism missing from the game is civilian causalities. Also, rape.) and yet you’re supposed to be the good guys. Cool.

– I know it’s fiction, but I still think the plot of this game presents some pretty dangerous ideas. Battlefield 3 has sold more than 10 million copies, meaning that if the average IQ is 100, 5 million complete idiots, if not more, played this game and thought the plot was pretty smart. If we do invade Iran, these folks will be cheering from the sidelines as entire families of Iranians are wiped out, because to them, it’s the plot of an action film that you get to diddle with your PS3 controller.

– I can still tell myself this game is fiction and laugh it off, however. It’s all in good fun, right? Or, am I myself a benefactor of World War Tres?

– I totally suck at this game.

– The graphics are very realistic, but not enough. I want to see limbs blown off and have entire buildings collapse on people and more things on fire. The only war this shows me is people falling down, tiny spatters of blood, certain walls collapsing and occasional explosions.

– It feels like a recruiting video for the military, but it sure doesn’t show a realistic side of warfare, even if the guns do fire like real guns or something.

– How the fuck do you fly a helicopter? Not once have I been off the ground for ten seconds before crashing and exploding.

– Multiplayer is the whole reason people play this game anyway. I suck donkey dick at multiplayer. I spend a lot of my time running around, hiding, then getting shot point blank in the head (or stabbed in the neck) anyway. I swear a lot.

– But when I do shoot someone, it feels so good.

– But when I get shot (which happens a lot more) I tell myself that the jackoff that blew my face off is a fat loser living in Montana and doesn’t have a girlfriend or do anything cool. All he does is play this game all day.

– Fuck you! I shot you! You fuck!

– Yeah, go on and laugh about it, but the only reason you’re good at this game is ‘cuz you have no social life, you fat Montanaese fuck.

– Surprisingly, I picture everyone but me (and my roommate) like this.

– A friend said of Black Ops, “I just turn off the volume and listen to music while playing. It becomes absolutely rote and I don’t have to think.”

– Someone described Valhalla to me as a place where fallen Norse soldiers feast with Odin, get shitfaced and then fight each other all day and night. Wikipedia barely touches on this, so I don’t know if it’s true. Google searches for “Valhalla endless battle” only conjures obscure references and fan fiction, but I think this description deftly fits any online FPS, especially this one.

– You are rewarded for literally everything. I often get “suppression ribbons.” A suppression kill means I can’t aim worth shit. That’s right, I get rewarded for having terrible aim. I get rewarded for using the same gun over and over. I get rewarded for finishing a round. I get rewarded for doing absolutely nothing.

– This keeps you playing, I guess.

– I can’t stop playing this game.

– I think I have a problem.

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