as a teenager, i used to have really bad ingrown toenails. i hated going to the doctor for them and would wait as long as humanly possible until they would get spectacularly rotten. pus and blood would leech out until i had to peel my socks off at night and it was painful to walk. but eventually they would get so bad, i couldn’t stand it anymore and i would have to get medical attention.
each time, i would see a new doctor and each time, he or she would say, “these are the worst ingrown toenails i’ve ever seen.” then they’d inject novacaine-laced needles into both sides of my toes, which hurt like fucking bees that were on fire. then they’d take pliers and cut along the toenail and remove the buggers.
finally, i saw a doctor and he was so disgusted that he lined the beds of my nails with rat poison (i’m not joking) and that killed the roots. now i will never again have a toenail on my left foot and my right toenail will always be thin and short. it’s actually nice that i never have to maintain them again in my life. if only it weren’t so hideous.
so one night, during finals week, i couldn’t sleep, so i painted them with my girlfriend’s sparkly red polish. they still looked hideous. it made showering in the dorm showers very awkward.
just one more unattractive thing about me that you didn’t need to know, but i was afraid i lost these images because my old blog got deleted and then i found them.
